If you only knew

What's Best

2007-07-08T05:13:00.001-07:00

Do what's best for you. It's not about selfish anymore, it's about taking care of yourself and looking out for who you're going to be. While doing so, take pride and be proud of you. After all is done and said the person standing next to you no matter what, will and always will be, you.

2007-05-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

just because everything is different, doesn't mean anything has changed.

No Experience Required...what kind?

2006-10-23T19:21:00.000-07:00

So yours truly is on the hunt for a job. Nothing serious...just time filler but not 'would you like fries with that?'. Being the nerd and socially awkward being that I'am, my search has spread all across the pages of craigslist and other classified ad sites. Tonight, I do believe I could have been hired on the spot. The job posting reads:

Salary: $22
Female Massage Therapists
posted 10/09/2006
Massage studio, in Chicago best location, is looking for Female Massage Therapist Assistants ASAP. No experience necessary. Call 773-209-9871

I was curious and called at 9:30pm, thinking all I would get was empty rings or a voice mail...this was not the case. A man answered on the other end and spoke in some language I couldn't understand. I immediately hung up and moments later, an incoming call on my cell from the number above. I leave it to ring and a voice mail by the same man with a Asian(?) accent of sorts telling me to call if I've any questions about the 'company'...a bit creepy.

And yes, any posting asking specifically for a female and the position requiring any sort of bodily contact is sketchy, so it doesnt surprise me by much that I must have stumbled upon something illegal. Just my luck.

It has been requested that I *really* test this place out and call in at 2am to see if it is in fact still open for 'services'.

I think I will.

I'am

2006-05-30T23:57:00.000-07:00

I am who I am.

Dear Self

2006-05-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Self,

You are lame. Grow up.

Love, Self

P.s... you're also overweight and fugly. Please fix this ASAP.

The Fattie's Post

2006-05-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

Dieting sucks, I hate my life. Actually, I just hate my body because it requires me to diet. Some people are naturally a size 1 and don't ever have to worry about that sort of thing because they'll never be any bigger no matter how much they eat.

I'm so hungry that it almost makes me want to rip my hair out.

Today I went to cheesecake factory (not a dieter's place to go) only because I wanted to see my friends. I split something with a friend and had one slice of a tiny pizza. The rest were eaten by the vultures. Then one decided to order a slice of upside down pineapple cheesecake for all of use to share, which I had a lick of. Clearly, this is torturous for someone that loves food as much as I. Then we went to the movies and a friend rustled in the doggie bag, only to briing out the leftover pizza and passed it to another in front of me.

Afterwards, we went to Starbucks and they both ordered tasty things. This was way past my eating curfew and so I passed up the Green tea blackberry frappucino that I have been craving since its debut date. It didn't help that my friend that ordered it took about 2 sips and offered the rest to whoever wanted it...but again, I let it go.

I really have to wonder if all this torture is worth it at all in the end. I feel as though a) I'll never see the results anyway b) Even if I get there, I'll let myself go within a week of achieving it because food makes me too happy

Is the pay off of being healthy actually bigger than the satisfaction I get from eating?? I really have to wonder, because it's clear that there's nothing I love more than food. Seriously.

It's been many times that people watch me in awe as I eat whatever food in front of me and receive the comment "You make food look *so* good"...Though I've never watched myself, it seems that I have the most heavenly and orgasmic look when eating and even makes others happy while watching. I don't know how I'll survive because most outings with friends involve eating, drinking, etc etc. My eating curfew goes out the window and I start to misbehave. My social life will suffer and I grow even more aggravated. What to do??

*sigh* Oh, how I miss you food.

2006-04-21T10:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I got sufficiently drunk because of half priced drinks at "The Apartment". I didn't think I was in the second-to-worst drunken state ever but it's clear to me now. Details are fuzzy, but as I went to the bathroom at 3 in the morning, I got up and flushed....only to somehow lose my balance and clutched onto a flimsy shower curtain for dear life, which of course broke the rod off the wall. I crashed into the bathtub, with legs hanging over the edge and the shower rod was horizontally hanging in front of my eyes. I sat and laughed for a good drunken 5 minutes.

2006-04-18T18:09:00.000-07:00

I do believe this is the fattest i've ever been in my life. I'm scared to come home.

2006-03-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile.

Scene: Me boiling spaghetti in the kitchen as two roommates sit on the sofa watching "Pearl Harbor" for the fifth time.

As always, I quietly watch as the two talk about how hot the men are.

Roommate: Hey Akiko? What do u speak?

Me: Japanese.

Roommate: Is that...Is Japanese different than Asian?

Me: *look up from the pot* O_o? .........what do you mean?

Roommate: well like...is it like, different? Like U.S. is American...is it different from Asian?

Me: *have no clue what she is asking, I assume she was asking if Japanese was different from any other Asian language??* Well..."Asian" is a general term that's used to describe things from Asia...Japan is part of Asia.

Roommate: *shrug* well I dunno!...so is Chinese like Asia?

(clearly, she needs a geography lesson and needs to learn the proper usage of the word)

-This went on for a bit. Later I overhear the two talking as the Japanese characters in the movie speak in the "Asia language"... ".....Yeah, that's why I was asking [Akiko] because I keep thinking they're making [the words] up."

I chose to forget a large chunk of the conversation because it was a rather ignorant one.

Later I find out that she thought Pearl Harbor was in Japan.

Where were you...

2006-02-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

...a year ago today? So much to say, yet the words escape me.

Gopher Hunter

2006-01-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

I was browsing the "etc" job listings and came across this one. This woman (I'm assuming) is out on a mission... S(h)e is paying $11.00 whether the qualified hunter has shot anything or not and on top of that, allowing this hunter to be intoxicated on the job "within reasonable conditions". What may I ask, does that exactly mean? And what exactly would be work experience to qualify as gopher hunter? I fear that someday I'll become as bitter as this woman is, who can't seem to even befriend cats.

Seeking Experienced Hunter to Exterminate Gophers
(Date: 2006-01-24, 1:15PM CST)

Seeking someone to get rid of gophers in my backyard. For the past 3 years, I've had the unpleasant fortune of gophers taking residence in my backyard. They have caused me thousands of dollars in lawn care repairs. I'm seeking someone to hang out on my back porch this coming spring and summer with a pellet gun to shoot at these gophers all day. Any of my neighbors cats that might walk through the yard is fair game as well. Compensation is $11.00/hr and a bonus of $2 for every gopher killed. Drinking on the job is acceptable within reasonable conditions. This is in the Northwest Burbs. There is a spare bedroom in my basement for a reasonable price if transportation is an issue. Please forward me your work experience and an explanation as to why you are the most qualified gopher hunter.

Job location is Chicago Burbs
Compensation: $11.00/hr + bonus
no -- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
no -- Please, no phone calls about this job!
no -- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
no -- Reposting this message elsewhere is NOT OK.

What ho...A ho(e)!

2006-01-22T16:53:00.000-08:00

I had overheard my roommate Bailey talking of how hard it is to go out into the city as an out of towner so I had suggested a girl's night out. Maria had an idea of where to go and so we began our outing by taking a taxi to avoid any walking in slush.

Bustling with activity and lines for who-knows-what, we get out onto the street. As I take in the surroundings, everything looked strangely familiar. I look up at the signs and I see "Howl at the Moon". I look across the street and realize that the bar there was where I had ended my oh-so-tragic 21st birthday.

Anyway, we had a pretty decent time and I lost my voice when we decided to go to "Howl at the Moon". Apparently, the request taking band is an nightly thing at this bar...The interior looked nothing like my birthday because of the large number of occupants on a Saturday night. I even ran into our waiter from my birthday and was remembered. After sometime, Bailey had gone home. Maria and I had decided to go across the street and sure enough sat at the bar I had vomited carrot cheesecake just several months ago. I never knew you could sit at a bar and just order water...I told the drunk man trying desperately to converse with me that it was straight vodka.

After much ranting and raving about life, we end up at the 24 hour diner...because it's the only one of its kind in downtown, it's the busiest lil corner, where all the young (and some not so young) half-intoxicated partiers feed on various breakfast foods. There were interesting people talking in line and you hear things like "Oh they don't have ORGANIC food??" or a girl aggressively saying to another "You're GONNA eat" so that they can stay with the males they picked up on their outing. While we were eating, a middle aged man came and introduced himself as he sat down next to my roommate. Again, another hit. I had to roll my eyes at this man because he was wearing the oh-so-fashionable striped collared shirt, half buttoned with a gold chain nestled in his chest hair. Let's not forget the fabulous gold ring with red jewels.

We finally left and tried to flag a cab home. A minivan type stopped in front of us and as we went to open the door, it slid open. Out stepped a black man, dressed in a black bowtie and tuxedo, along with large heavy jewelry of gold and possibly diamonds. I must say though that the best part of his outfit was his black, fur PIMP coat that reached his ankles in length. The man stood outside the cab while his lady friend in pink PAID the taxi fare. I couldn't help but be confused at this situation because for one, I've never seen a female pay a cab fee while in the presence of a male...(on a side note, I realized that I had to pay on my 20th birthday when I was "taken out")
My roomie comments on how cold it is, the man says "I never feel all the cold!" and I comment "That's a lovely fur coat you have". This was all rather odd.

On our ride home, we both started talking about how peculiar they were. The cabbie had then started talking how they were "regulars" of his and how the man had 3-4 other girls...clearly, this man was a *true* pimp. I really wish there was some place where I can read about stories that cabbies have. Surreal. But all in all, I'm happy to say that I ran into a pimp and his ho.

2006-01-15T09:20:00.000-08:00

Tagged along to go to Bahama Breeze restaurant last night and the Bamboo Room afterwards. The night sucked out. It was a long wait to get in and another long wait to get food. Then I was incredibly offended by the way my friend treated our waitress and I took it upon myself to apologize *for* him. Of course, he doesnt know that, but I wonder if he should? It was the smallest thing really, but for some reason, it proceeded to bother me the rest of the night and gave my friend the cold shoulder. Now I feel stupid that I did that and my friend has no clue. People thought it odd that the waitress was being extra friendly with me (quite talkative, trying to give me a list of "hot spots" and watnot). It's obvious that she took note of my friend's behavior because the manager came by to offer free stuff. How embarrassing for him.

Moral of this story: Be kind to your servers. If you disrespect, at least apologize.

I'm Grade-A.

2006-01-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

My grandma seems to like to imply that I'm fat. The other day she told me that I'm healthy looking because I "wear meat" (that's a literal translation of what she said). I can't seem to take that any other way than it meaning, "You're fat". This morning, she made the hand motions of turning an imaginary piece of steak as she said, "You look tasty, it makes me want to grill and eat you".

2006-01-04T07:05:00.000-08:00

less than two days and my so called vacation will be over. I'm sad that I will be getting on a plane alone, sit alone, and arrive alone to someplace that is the coldest I'd ever known.

I'm scared of becoming old.

Boo.

2005-12-29T06:52:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time sleeping.

Mom and Grandma keep talking about the work world.

Mom constantly complains about a coworker she's nicknamed "Vegas" because she was a Vegas resident prior to moving to the bay area. This woman is 38, finally pregnant after years of attempts and apparently uses that as an excuse to get through life for the time being. From the horror stories I hear, she makes out to be quite the lazy, self absorbed, whiner. To keep a long story short, Mother keeps stressing why she always is the one doing "the right thing", always generous, but seem to never see a benefit in it. She's surrounded by those that are selfish, conniving, and manipulative but seem to get through life just fine. It looks like they
're always gaining something as she always gets stuck with the shorter end of the stick.

I often wonder if it's true that "what goes around comes around"... Lately I've been thinking that that isn't the case. As if I needed more proof that life just isn't fair, it's a bit depressing to think about. I would like to think that Karma would work its magic and give those awful individuals what's coming to them. Grandma believes that a higher being will work it all out...can't say I share that particular belief.

So, if it makes no real difference, why should I ever do the "right thing"?

2005-12-28T21:07:00.000-08:00

It’s a funny thing. Why do we keep little souvenirs from our past when they trigger a string of painful memories and thoughts? My friend had suddenly asked if I kept writings and such from my past and reviewed them from time to time, claiming it to be a “female thing to do”. Somehow, I was offended or annoyed to a certain extent. Isn’t it true that generally, most of us do keep things here and there from our past and once in a great while, blow off the dust and look at them? How silly.

“Pictures of You” rings in my head.

2005-12-15T21:21:00.000-08:00

additions to my list:

shop at SAFEWAY/TRADER JOES/PW (hell, anything west coast)
Eat pizza rolls
Eat bonbons
Eat harvest pie
Make gingerbread houses with the crew
Haight street shopping
Thrift shopping galore

Random and boring

2005-12-15T11:36:00.000-08:00

4 DAYS. Lemme just say that I'am absolutely psyched. My finals are pretty much over except for the remaining programming one, which won't be *too* painful I hope.

I don't really even know what I'll be doing with the 6 days that I have, other than shopping around for all the items on the lengthy list...it'll be many many trips to every mall I know because trip to Japan=gifts for family.

I think this paricular finals week was the worst to date because I was hanging by a thread the whole time. I finished projects that were assigned weeks in advance in one night. Not a good idea, but it was done. I found it hilarious that I was sleeping as I was finishing up my drafting final...the lines are *slightly* less than perfect. Last night I fell asleep as I was cutting paper and would wonder why pieces were going the wrong way as I went to glue them down on paper...then I realized I cut everything wrong. I finished my design foundation final around 6am, wanted to get an hour or two of sleep before my critique at 8:30. I woke up and it was 11am. That was the second time that I pretty much almost missed my final...I'm scared that I can't wake up anymore. I seem to go into a coma.

So since I've nothing to do, I will make a list of things I want to do in California:

Drive (everywhere and anywhere, even if it means a day trip to SoCal)
Put headphones on in the car (because I have no tapedeck or cd player), solo karaoke in the car....oh that's gonna be sweet.
Eat Vietnamese sandwiches
Eat Chinese at my fav place
Eat at Todai/some awesome Japanese restaurant
Watch Japanese videos
Watch Anchorman
Watch Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (again)
Watch Garden State
Watch the Notebook (assigned to me by Joy)
Drink a cocktail someplace
Drink Boba
Eat at Sweet Tomatoes
Celebrate Christmas Eve in the city with Mum
Shop for must-haves at Rasputins
Shop for many pairs of pants (About 3 of my jeans have worn out crotches...how does this happen?? I must have a hott crotch(?)
Learn how to download torrents
Learn more html
Scan in artwork
Look through all of my baby pics and look for the infamous Halloween picture (Hippo Ballerina)
Scan in those pictures (along with the kimono ones)
Take pics to submit to threadless.com
Lounge around in a bathing suit
Eat some damn tasty Mexican food
Bake cookies
Cook food..or learn
Very first manicure with Joy...Maybe I'll even get my eyebrows waxed for the first time
Haircut (hmmm...color?)

Thats about it for my lame life. Too bad a trip to So Cal isn't scheduled, because then I would look like I have alot to do. The sad part about this list is that it's mostly involving food and sitting. What's even worse is that I think I see myself wasting my afternoons sitting at home, watching tv. What's a girl to do

2005-12-11T14:03:00.000-08:00

Does one ever grow out of the horrible habit of procrastinating?

2005-12-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

So really, there are times that I could roll my eyes so excessively that my eyeballs will fall out of their sockets so that I will go blind. Why do I want to go blind? So that I won't ever have to look at another TOOL again!!!

"Hi, saw you online, you look great. I'm an airline pilot, good looking, in great shape, 6', 190 lb, athletic/muscular. I'm flying to Chicago on the 9th, fri, looking for someone fun to meet up with. Please write me back if you're interested" ~From the Meathead on MySpace you see on the right.

Harass him.

I'm not sure what these people think I'am. Or maybe that's the problem...they don't think. I feel like the conditions have begun to worsen with no hopes of it getting better. It's great that this guy is a 36 year old Texan on myspace, looking for a date. I also think it's amusing that these kind of people have only the vocabulary of very few words like: "very athletic", "xxx lbs", "attractive"....

*rolls eyes* I'm over it.

2005-11-27T14:04:00.000-08:00

Raining here. No wonder I'm bummed out today. I didn't even know it was raining all day til now.

I'm missing home. Almost to the point of moving back. Would things I've been thinking about be fixed if I were to move back? I guess it wouldn't change anything. It's more of those what-ifs that make me want to find an excuse to come back home.
And now I procrastinate and wonder,

What makes you want to smile?

(Joy made the cut...now the pressure builds for me to march my final drum corps season. If I do, I will be coming back April...But can I afford to miss a semester of school?)

Attention.

2005-11-08T13:56:00.000-08:00

ATTENTION, attention.

My friends kick-ass.

That is all.

(Joy sent me this T-shirt for my birthday today!~ I'am so loved. I'm tempted to send in some pictures so that they'll post me on their site.)

http://threadless.com/product/335/Come_Back_To_Me

Forever 21- Part 2

2005-11-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

I thought my birthday eve/ morning was very nicely spent and had no plans for my actual birthday...I had thought to spend a relaxing, quiet, lazy day home on the computer since I had done so much already the previous night. However.....

I woke up 6 hours later from my 5 oclock arrival. I went into the kitchen to peek in the fridge as I always do for no apparent reason and ran into my 34 year old roommate, Maria. Maria is the one roommate that I get along with the most and seem to be on the same level in many different topics. She invites me out for walking, shopping, and lunch/cocktails at the Cheesecake Factory and so I agree. We make our way over to the fattie's haven, with few shopping stops, and order ourselves some Mai Thais (which I was warned about for being a bit strong) and a Margarita with salads. All was well and I was happy to get carded and share drinks with someone. My friend Eli had been offering to bring me velvet cake (because he works in a bakery) and came to meet up with us. Maria had been telling me about the bar in the 95th floor of the John Hancock Building, so the three of us made our way up. Unfortunately, Eli was underage (don't I know the feeling) and had to go home because I wished to spend time up in the building for my birthday. The view of the city lights was simply amazing. We sat down to have girl talk over an apple martini.

After our last sips, the idea of venturing out to another bar came about and we walked all around downtown in search of a bustling bar. Of course, on a Sunday, this was more likely to not be satisfied. Eventually, we settle in at a bar called "Howl at the Moon", where the door man had skeleton arms coming out of his back. He was quite friendly (also because he was hitting on my roommate), so we sat ourselves down, ordering another round of Mai Thais and black raspberry jello shots. The jello shot came in a syringe type container and the waiter brought a can of whip creme, and even "serves" it to you by squirting all the jello-y, cremey goodness into ur mouth. There was a live band there to take song requests from the rather low number of drinkers there and Maria had requested a birthday song for me. They made me pick a song (which of course I couldn't) and the lady next to me randomly said "Brown Eyed Girl"- rather fitting (She even requested a Grease song for me and we all danced). When the band took this request, they had announced that it was my birthday...this is where I believe the night had started to go wrong...

After the song, the drinks kept coming. And coming. The couple next to me had ordered me some sort of disgusting shot of liquor (jager I'm suspecting) and the old man hitting on my roommate kept buying us drinks. I eventually lost count of the long ice teas, mai thais, and random orders that I had, but I was definitely in some sort of loopy state. This was evident when I was fumbling around in the bathroom stall, simply to take care of business. Eventually, the bar closed down at around 1 or 2 and we decided to go across the street to another bar.

God, what was I thinking.

We sit down at the bar and not five minutes later, shots of liquor come our way from the two gentlemen sitting in the corner. One of them apparently was hitting on my roommate. I remember putting my head down because I suddenly felt a wave of fatigue and the voice of the bar tender telling me no napping allowed. The next thing I know, my hands are cupped over my mouth and a strange warmth filled them.

Yes, I had thrown up on the bar. And all over myself. And onto the floor. And probably splashed over others around me. I immediately got up as a clean up crew came to mop up and sprinkle powder over the orange mess, and sat down on the sidewalk only to throw up all over myself again. I could hear my roommate somewhat in a panicked state and trying to hail cabs that refused to take a puker home. Eventually one had stopped and we were able to make it home.

What surprised me the most about this whole ordeal was my courtesy and carefulness of my belongings. I carry a bright white purse, vulnerable to any kind of permanent stain, and I found it spotless the next morning. My brand new favorite coat was also spotless and free of vomit. When I rode the taxi, I cracked teh door open to yack instead of doing so in the back seat. I'm somewhat proud of myself.

Monday morning, post Birthday, was probably the first time in a long time, that I feared for my life. I never knew it was humanly possible to vomit as much as I did. Never have I been consoled so much by a trashcan heavy from vomit. I seemed to have made a new best friend that I wish to never see again. I ended up missing class that morning and was unable to keep anything down, whether it be water or even air. The added chores of washing my sheets, showering to get the wonderful smell out of my hair, and throwing out a bag full of my dinner and several drinks from the night before is quite an experience and couldnt feel anymore "twenty one". Now all is a memory and all that is left of that night is a picture hours before my downfall, a jello shot syringe, and vomit stained jeans with the still lingering smell of 21.

That morning, I listened to a voicemail my mother had left me about expecting a package to arrive. I returned her phone call and was told that the box contained plum wine and beer snacks. I was very lucky to know this beforehand, for if I had opened it without any knowledge of its contents, my reaction to it would have been less than ecstatic. I still feel a bit queasy at the sight of alcohol or anything resembling it. It seems that extra hour that the Daylight Savings had given me for my birthday was there for a reason.

The question now is: Do I regret it?
I've been quite optimistic about the whole experience, for it could have been worse. Much worse. I was lucky that it was my roommate to take me out and not my friends, because it would make out to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. My outing very well could have been on a weekend or in a crowded setting, but was not. My supposed hangover was not at its full intensity because I had no headache. I have not yet banned alcohol from my life, so it must very well mean that I enjoyed myself as much as I possibly could. I now have two different birthday stories (part one and part deux) to tell and had enough fun to cover nearly two birthdays. There's something satisfying about your roommate telling you they discovered vomit flakes on their pants the next morning in class.

This turned out to be exactly what turning 21 is about: Memorable.

Happy Twenty f*ckin First Birthday. It's great to finally be here.

Forever 21-Part 1

2005-11-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's finally happened. The monumental event that many, if not all of us await in our young adult lives...the Big 2-1.

Let me begin with saying that it was quite a buildup and a great mystery as to what Akiko will be doing for her birthday. Will she party it up at a club? At a bar? or is she being truly honest when she says "I'm gonna stay home"? I, being the wet blanket that I always am, had played around with the idea of staying home alone with the computer, as I always do on any given day. My 21st birthday should be no exception. The few acquaintences that I had made during my short stay here, would not have it. Even my own mother had called the week before to tell me I needed to go out. I was surprised by the many offers that came my way (perhaps out of pity?), just to avoid the horrible image of me sitting at my computer becoming a reality. It must've been for their own sanity, not mine.

Why do I keep myself from having fun you ask...
Main reason: I refused to do anything that was the cliche "go out, get plastered, wake up next to a stranger the next morning without having any idea how you got there". It just isn't my style to turn around and have a story just like anybody else....I craved originality and a story that could be told for years to come. Must I mark my 21st anniversary of being alive with temporary black outs?
Secondly, I feared that my adolescence had come and gone without ever being able to experience it. One of my biggest fears is life passing me up without me acknowledging that it had, because by that time, it is too late. I felt that this magical number of 21 symbolized adulthood, the end of having moments of immaturity that I never seemed to live up to.
Thirdly, after the stroke of midnight, I will no longer have an excuse for being as lame as I'am. No more excuse of not being able to go out due to age barriers. My only reason now is that I truly am lame.

Eventually, I had given in to my friend Jason, who had graciously offered to take me out for birthday eve (Saturday-Oct. 29). We began our night with warm, seasonal drinks at Starbucks (chai tea/pumpkin spice latte) before our wait in line for the "Trail of Terror". It was quite enjoyable standing out on a clear chilly night, wondering if the two men in front of us (with a Hansel from Zoolander look alike) were foreign or gay (or both?) and plotting ways to steal the decorative pumpkins that lined the entrance. After a half mile of cheap but effective scare tactics, we made our way to Grand Luxe Cafe, where I discovered the sinful Molten chocolate cake...food-gasmic. After that, we found ourselves at the Green Mill (jazz club with live music) to bring in my first moments of being 21 with a drink. As we were waiting in line to get in, a homeless woman had come down the line asking for money...when she had gotten to us and we kindly rejected, she says, "You chinese....you chinese never give nuttin".

...............h-wAt?? Thus my ears deceive me? Had I just been insulted two nights in a row by a homeless being, just 4 minutes til MY day? The night prior to this, I was verbally attacked by a homeless man on the street because I'am a woman. I decided to remain civil and enjoy my last moments of 20 in peace...grinding my teeth.
I welcomed the start of decade #3 with several drinks, which surprisingly, did not lead to anything remotely close to being in a drunken stupor. By the end of the night, I was proud to say that I had a non-cliche, 21st birthday finished off with style...a story that I would not be embarrassed to tell or be disappointed about.

I even got a gift- a document frame. Why?
An idea came to me days before my birthday to create a document filled with signatures of those that think I'm cool. This is not an effort in displaying the magnitude of self conceit, those that know me know very well that I'am not a vain person. I merely think that it is the most unique idea I've ever come up with and love it for the joy that it will bring me watching it grow. If anything its existance is to build my confidence/make me feel better than to affirm my (non existant) belief that I'm cool.

I happily called it a night around 5 or 6 am on Sunday the 30th, with memory of everything that occurred that night.

Little did this newly turned 21 year old know that this was only the beginning....

2005-10-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

...And people don't believe me that I'm a weirdo magnet.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=444295599605519000

(it's even better when you click the pic)

2005-10-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

I *WANT*.

~"Downpour" t-shirt @ threadless.com

2005-10-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

Why am I so bothered? It just goes to show you that no matter what you do, you cant avoid crap happening.

2005-10-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

The last 15 minutes have been a bit odd. As mentioned in my previous post, my friend got into an accident and was badly hurt. I look some more and find out another teacher from Leland is arrested...the second in 5 months. I tell my best girlfriend who is also from Leland and she tells me that my math tutor was also arrested for sexual abuse...the funny part is, I always thought he was sketchy. I found a clip on the story and felt weird seeing mug shots of my chemistry teacher.
http://feeds.siliconvalleynews.net/?rid=7539daa7cb5f676b&cat=2d152a2dc9f192ff&f=1

The internet is not good for me.

I just want to go to bed.

2005-10-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

I just found out one of my friends (Jay-c) got into an accident. Head on collision, resulting in broken legs and shattered collarbone.

I'm bothered.

Why does stuff like this happen to him all the time.

2005-10-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

No particular reason to post, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm just going to list things I did, so that I remember these small insignificant events. I feel crappy and unhealthy. Most of the time I feel like I'm sick and definitely look it. I think I just need to exercise.

Thursday I went out to see Corpse Bride with Jason and originally for Korean food...It seems that around here, asian places don't last long. It was closed down so we ended up in a tasty Mexican restaurant.

Friday I did homework and was bored out of my mind, but eventually made it out to Jeremy's (he's weird and I don't understand him...how often does that happen? And I think I was the cause of him getting locked out haha good riddance) for movie and Giordano's deep dish pizzaaaaa. I was excited because I actually recognized the name and felt "Chicago". Another fat night.

Saturday I was supposed to go out to Gurnee Mills with Maria, except she had class and the times never matched up with the metra...did she not think of this when we were planning this? Coincidentally, Leo was going to the mall and I was able to go out for dimsum and Woodfield to get winter clothes. I got extremely stressed out thinking about winter coats and felt intimidated because everyone shopping looked like they knew what they were doing. I was this- close to asking another shopper to ask "What do you wear in Chicago?". I even got to eat a peeeecanbon. Afterwards, I got to watch Hide and Seek because it reminded me of my summer days getting yelled at by Andy. I discovered Lindor truffles and Instant spiced Chai Tea...dAmn tasty.
Third fat night.

Jason and I are foodies so we talk about food way too much. We were talking about pie so I somehow ended up at Bakers Square today and we ate pumpkin pie. Tis the season. I'm going to miss Halloween and hanging out with the San Hoe-zians...Where else am I going to get to smell burnt pumpkin? I guess I'll have to recreate it in my own room. He also gave me a free tv and now I have the Home Shopping Network. We were discussing my birthday and I came to the realization that I no longer have an excuse to fall back on as to why I never go out. This is a problem. I either, a) need to come up with a good *fake* story of how crazy my 21st birthday was, when in reality I was quietly sitting at home, b)actually do something on my birthday, or c) just tell people that I'm naturally boring (which is closest to the truth as you can get).

I really don't think I'll be doing anything because I don't even feel like doing anything. We shall see.

In other news, the leaves are changing and Akiko is homesick again.

2005-10-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

Chocolate graham crackers make me happy. It's like Oreos without the creme filling. SO good.

Limited edition apple pie icecream by "Edy's" or aka Breyer's is *real* good. Nothing like eating pie crust.

What a freak.

2005-10-02T09:15:00.000-07:00

I just wondered the weirdest thing. I am (was)doing my homework for programming for ID class and a part of it is to space plan an accessible (for wheelchairs) bathroom. As I was doing this, looking at diagrams in text books and such, I wondered...how do they do it??? How *do* they go to the bathroom?? I can sort of imagine the female way, but a guy's?? The way guys go to the bathroom has always been somewhat an enigma to me. I'm gonna be sorry later that I posted this, but I had to because I thought I was the biggest freak for wondering this.

Now you know for sure.

2005-09-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

New roomie arriving now or in a couple hours. I'm nervous and worried.

I've been downloading movies and family guy episodes. I'm psyched. But now I'm getting even more distracted, as if I wasn't before, *just* with AIM. I'am attached to this screen. My roomie will definitely be weirded out.

2005-09-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

So I'm completely bummed out. And it doesnt help that I've been eating non stop for days now because of either being bummed out or I'm just plain PMSing. But in either case, not good. Today I received a wonderful email from the first guy I hung out with when I moved here. And when I say "wonderful", I mean he told me off. People effing suck, I'm starting to dislike them again. They tick me off for no reason and they get completely offensive. Others choose to just ignore me. It's amazing how much you're asking for just by saying "I want someone decent to hang out with". My definition of "decent" is: you're not a weirdo, you're not immature, you're pleasant. That's it. But I guess I have lost a LONG time ago just by wanting someone that's not immature because clearly, most of the world is. So now I'm a magnet for: weirdos, people that are old enough to be my dad, immature people, stupid people, and now, whiners/weiners. What a winner.

2005-09-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

Some things that I've been *meaning* to post but never got around to:

The other day in English class, we were assigned readings from "Writing and Reading Across the Curriculum". It covers interesting topics on technology, psychology, sociology, and other large topics. We were assigned to answer a question at the end of our reading. Would you believe that our essay was about blogs, titled "The Blog Phenomenon"??? I can't even explain how excited I was. Apparently, I blog for several reasons: ego gratification (me want to be the center of attention?? i don't know about that), antidepersonalization (I suppose I feel insignificant in my world), elimination of frustration (no duh), societal need to share (need to share? I write my thoughts because I don't *want* to share!), wanna-be-writer (no).

I went exploring about a week ago, looking for my trading clothes stores again. I found a Crossroads store and bought myself 5 dollar jeans and shirt for 4.75...while I was shopping, a lady took the time to compliment my hair and proceeded to ask what kind of cut it was...who does that?

The other day I posted on craigslist under the 'strictly platonic' section because I couldn't get myself out of the boredom. Could you believe that I also posted a picture AND a screen name to go with it? The replies I got were endless. But alas, quantity over quality. Emails like "hi there im 34 open minded fun sensual athletic very fit very sexual email me", just did *not* cut it.
The instant messages and emails were overflowing. On OK, I posted a bulletin asking what Chicago people do around here. The next day I log in and find that there is 18 messages for me, then the following day 16. Ricockulous.

Yesterday I experienced my first day of Chicago rain. I even bought an umbrella, which I suspect will break the next time I use it, due to the wind. I wasn't too willing to spend 30 dollars on the titanium umbrella. Craigslist did, however, find me some interesting people to talk to and eventually hang out with. Yesterday I spontaneously decided to take up an offer to go venture out in the city with Matt. My shins hurt from walking so much, but it was definitely something fun. He was surprisingly easy to get along with, even though that usually isn't the case with me and those that are the same age as me.

2005-09-14T22:51:00.000-07:00

Pathetic. Just pathetic...

Clones

2005-09-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

I think im starting to see why I don’t have any friends or make any. Im not one to judge *karma cap* but if I really am a lot like these people, things start to make a lot more sense. A friend of mine was recommended these ppl by ok cupid while reading my profile. Apparently, they show up on my page as they are "about the same"

Akiko mutant #1:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=7712200701699506502

Akiko mutant #2:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile?tuid=15934783192895569630

By the way, I guess this really confirms that I'm truly a geek or nerd or whatever else....I'm blogging about OK search results.

Yeah.

There's no hope.

A thought in the shower

2005-09-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

I think I analyze things too much. Every explanation I give is about 5 times longer than it needs to be. That annoys me.

I've realized this some time ago, though, everytime I'm asked simple questions like "What kind of music do you like?" or "What's your favorite color?"....that's a question that should be answered with one word, yet I seem to see everything as an essay format question as if I have something to prove. I hate that. It reminds me too much of the quality my father possesses that mom dislikes the most. In the quest to find myself, one of my goals is to not end up like either of my parents. Well, at least the bad parts about them anyway.

I guess I can't seem to help it though, when it comes to conversation and especially getting to know people. I DO have something to prove, in the sense that I want to show people I have some sort of a brain and have something to offer. I like to think that I'm somewhat different or unique...or...something--- but then again, maybe I'm trying too hard? It comes back to the thought of "who are you trying to impress??".

Ah, the things I worry about.

on my Friday

2005-09-09T21:50:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems that it’s been a couple days. I’m not exactly sure what I’ve been doing and can’t seem to remember where I’ve been. It’s odd that I can’t remember what I do with my days when I have internet/TV/etc. but it’s still the same even when I do something OTHER than being online. Wednesday, I remember that I sat around for a couple hours before the night class because I was waiting for the internet man to come. However- he was late and I had to leave for class. So still, no internet. I rescheduled for today, let’s see how this goes. I also took a bunch of free packets of “fakin’ flake potatoes” from school. It made me sad that I’m truly eating like a poor college student. On the way home, I saw a rat run along a fence. It made me proud that I’m in a city.

Yesterday, I made a trip to the shopping area, more specifically to Crate and Barrel to get some plates and bowls. I figured it was a good time to bring a stop to eating out of pots and pans. To get there, I actually rode the bus AND the subway to get home. I found out that the “red line” is my new best friend. When I was waiting in the humid underground station, an Art Institute student came by and started making conversation. I really think that was a first for me to have someone randomly speak to me (crazies and cat calls don’t count). Maybe at that moment in time I didn’t look so “intimidating”(?) or Chicago-ans are just friendly in that way.

Today I decided to make a trip to Goodwill because I can’t seem to live without my cheap clothing stores and trading stores I frequented back at home. I went to one just down the street…either I couldn’t find it or it closed down. It seemed to be in the right place, along with many fabric/alteration/ghetto clothing stores but I ended up with nothing but an offer for a ride with a scary man that came out of the supposed Goodwill store and called me “Honey”. I foolishly turned my head and made eye contact. I still haven’t gotten it in my head that anyone that calls me “honey” or “doll” or any other degrading name is not worth a look. Come to think of it, yesterday, two guys (non threatening) were trying to get my attention… should I have talked to them? But of course, I walked right past them without even acknowledging them and heard the distant “Garrrrr--!” of frustration from the males. But maybe I saved myself from annoying cell phone salesmen that you see at malls. Who knows.
I walked away from that area and to the nearest grocery store from my condo. “Jewel” it’s called. No Safeway, PW, or Albertsons. Sad. Then I found out that another Goodwill is on the same street and made my way over there. No Goodwill in sight. *sigh* In the process, I found a bookstore on Wabash St. The kind that has a lower floor and it’s a mass of books on old wooden shelves. I like those. It would’ve been even more impressive if I had bought a book, read it, and enjoyed it. That’s still one of my goals.

No place to go on a Friday night. I’m hoping that this feeling of being lost and being alone will be something that eventually goes away. It’s all very new to me…being away from home is very different from being on tour. No one to really talk to or hang out with, so most of the time, I’m alone. Ah, but all is an experience, I must be gaining something from it.

Also, I finally got to meet my roommate, Ashley. Apparently she’s here to pack her belongings and started off by giving me a whole new wardrobe. I must say, she’s a nice person, however, a bit on the ditsy side. She asked how many “minutes” I get on the internet…I guess she thought it was the same concept as a cell phone. Turns out that she was not the owner of all the clothes left on the living room floor, instead, was her stripper friend’s items. That explained the “hooker” style shoe. She also showed me the rooftop with the amazing view and the little lounging garden on the lower level with a great view as well. That definitely made my day.

Faceless no more

2005-09-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

My "faceless" roommate finally came home. I'm sure I looked creepy because i was typing away on my laptop, in the dark for the lack of plugs to plug in my lamp. I've been anal about keeping the place tidy...up til TODAY. *sigh* so unfair. I'am happy though that I was fully clothed and dressed. It could've been much worse...MUCH worse. Moving out on the 24th, so she says.

9/6/05

2005-09-06T21:07:00.000-07:00

Yes people, Akiko is once again back online…but with stolen wireless internet. I had to (HAD to) get online before I went into withdrawal. I’m scared for myself that I’m this bad.

Blogs

2005-09-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

Blogs are coming. As long as I get my internet...Wish me lots of luck. If all goes well, I'll be back tomorrow!!!

9/5/05

2005-09-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

September 5, 2005
10:10 PM

I went to Target today in hopes of getting rid of my shopping list. I walk myself over there and I get a phone call from a number I don’t recognize. I answer and the voice turns out to be a representative from the real estate office, asking if I was in town, then explaining that my roommate, Maria, has arrived from Florida and is locked out because of disfunctional keys. We met up in the lobby and she was a bit on the older side, very nice, and friendly.

I walked back to Target and ended up shopping around for hours… I can’t even remember how long I was there. I couldn’t get rid of my list because so many items were sold out…I guess that happens when you live near 10 other dorms. It was very much a challenge just to look for a trash can, turner spatula, and other miscellaneous items. I even ended up with things that aren’t a total necessity, like peach tea mix, cereal, and an Edward Scissorhands dvd. I’ve been doing some thinking and have come to the conclusion that if I quit buying snacks altogether, maybe I’ll be able to slow the fattening process. I think I keep buying these snacks because I have no expectation of mom coming home to cook or people to go out to dinner with, so I just settle with junk food.
I also walk to the Ace Hardware store and find myself a pitcher (which I’ am disappointed to say, leaks) and light bulbs to replace the numerous dead bulbs over the sink. Definitely another sign that my roommate is either a) a slob or b) just never ever home. This is also very evident in her non-existent cleaning skills and from my experience of cleaning out the vents/filters…I suspect they were the cause of my sudden breathing problems. Oi-vay.

After coming home, my roommate Shino knocks on the front door because she locked herself out…again. I fear the day I will do the same. Even though I have been known to stay indoors for an excessive amount of time, due to no internet, I actually go outdoors now. She’s been lucky that on both times, I just happened to be home.

Can you believe I actually cooked pasta today??

Tomorrow’s the first day of school. Hmm, what to expect? I’m not even sure how I’ll be getting myself there. Wish me luck.

I miss home.

Chinatown

2005-09-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

I now know for sure that I WILL be okay. Well food-wise anyway. Today I woke up with plans of going to Target around the corner to finish up on my shopping list. But I woke up and stared out my window, as I have started to make a habit of, and saw that there were many numerous booths set up along a street. So I decided to walk there and discovered it was more like a flea market than a farmer’s market. I also found that the grocery store along the same street is 24 hours so that’s some useful information. I walked along the entire strip of ghetto booths and came across cheap 5-12 dollar dvd’s. I questioned if they were truly functioning dvd’s and came very close to purchasing one. Being the indecisive individual that I’ am, I stared at the dvd’s at every available booth… during this time, there was a pair of Mexican guys that went to every booth I was at. I had already noticed this, but they took much later to. Eventually one of them mentioned to the other, “That girl right there’s been at every place we been at… watch.” I just walked faster and lost them, just so I can prove him wrong. Should I have been intimidated by a guy who asked for “The Little Mermaid” at every booth?

Later, I decided to spontaneously walk an unknown distance to Chinatown. I was quite reluctant at first because the rule here seems to be “just stay north” due to the fact that every other direction is pretty ghetto. Not knowing what to expect, I finally arrive to “Chinatown market”. Heaven. I end up buying candy and asiany seasonings to cover up the taste of anything atrocious I may cook up. I walk around some more and discover “Wok ‘n Things” to buy chopsticks and find ridiculous amounts of tapioca/food/herbal stores concentrated in a small area. You know that you’re home when you walk into a store and find decapitated snapping turtles and piles of dried seahorse. Ah comfort. The long walk was well worth it and it also led me to use the train to get home, all by myself! The stop I got off at gave me another idea to stop by the enormous library in downtown. After coming home, I got to use my new pot to cook rice in (which I had never done) and the end product was short of perfect.

Still, I feel accomplished. I’m a big kid now.

9/4/05

2005-09-04T01:30:00.000-07:00

Another very long day. But very productive. I now sit in a fully pizazzed bed, complete with high quality sheets, duvet cover, pillow cases in luxurious feminine color and even matches Cow perfectly, which was a very pleasant surprise indeed.

For some reason, just the bedding alone made me much more relaxed than any other goods I had purchased… even food. Interesting.

I now sit and admire my work and the world I will live in. Across from my bed sits the unmade bed of my, still, faceless roommate who I suspect is a slob. I wonder whether or not I will ever meet this person that I supposedly live with or if one day I’ll come to discover her hanger-less wardrobe on the floors of multiple closets/living room have disappeared. It’s very much a possibility. The girl didn’t even have toilet paper, shower curtain, or a clean toilet.

I still have to figure out where to draw the line when it comes to having roommates. Am I to never touch another’s personal items, ever? Or can there be some exceptions? How do roommates split the usage of toilet paper, paper towels, garbage cans, etc etc.? who buys the light bulbs when they die? Petty, yes, but I need to know! After putting away all my purchases of the day in the apartment, I had closed the door to the room and left for dinner. Interestingly enough, upon my return, I had discovered that the door was now open. It could have only been her, the Japanese girl. I had found it amusing because she had enough of an interest to look through my boring belongings. No big deal, because I had used her shower, bathroom (which I forgot to flush), and had done the same exact thing of being nosy.

Curiosity is much too human.

9/2/2005

2005-09-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

So here I’am, finally in Chicago, finally out of San Jose. I’ve been here for about 2 days now. Pretty exhausting because there’s so much to take in. I got to the airport and was taken away by the number of TALL people there. Even the women were seven feet tall. Also, I’ve noticed that there are close to zero Asians in this area. I stick out in a whole new way. Short and asian. I’ve even caught some people watch us or stare… a little bothersome, especially in a brand new surrounding I’ve thrown myself in. I went to subway for the first time in my life and I have to say… I was not impressed. tHe man that was making the sandwiches asked for our order and proceeded to cough without covering his mouth over the many pre-measured fresh condiments and sandwich toppings. I can’t believe I ate that. There was also a Dunkin’ Donuts across the street (which btw was 24 hours) so we decided to get some. There we encountered a cashier that was, for lack of a better word, odd. He was much too friendly for my taste and I have to suspect that he was intoxicated as well. “MaY I heLLllp yoO-u??” proceeded by a ridiculous drunken giggle. This occurred repeatedly. Not exactly what I want to see on the first night.

Yesterday was a move-in orientation and it really took longer than it should have. The school was in a large skyscraper type building, right smack in the middle of everything. Pretty nice. The public transportation terrifies me and I have to wonder if I’ll ever snap out of it.

Reality on the radio

2005-08-29T23:43:00.000-07:00

What if this thing we know as "reality" was really all just neutral? It would make sense, if in fact 10 percent of life is what happened and the other 90 percent is how you react to it.

Fatty McFatterson

2005-08-29T01:39:00.000-07:00

Friend: I highly suggest Tapatio hot sauce
Me: ya i put that on my bread today
Friend: how is it on bread?
Me: good. anything goes with bread. i cant think of a single thing that doesnt
Friend: squid?
Me: well i mean, youd have to add something with that
Friend: hmm... ice cream
Me: or some sort of mayo seafood tasty baked goodness... i bet if you deep fried bread and ice cream itll taste fine,top it with cinnamon sugar. tasty
Friend: I haven't had fried ice cream in a while.. and we have a deep fryer..
Me: wow... woooow
Friend: what, are you surprised we have a deep fat fryer? we're fatsos...
Me: no im not surprised... im just wowing at the possibilities
Friend: just about anything can be deep fried..and I have deep fried it...
Me: ya, i know, i watch it all the time on hsn
Me: i already pretty much know what id wana do... i already know the first thing that id deep fry
Me: pizza rolls. i havent had pizza rolls in literally about years.. had a craving for them since the last day i had them. it would basically be like going to heaven and comin back. for me anyway
Me: id want to use it to deep fry ridiculous items just so i can say ive done it and possibly even eat it. deep fryers rock
Me: id wanna buy a donut, batter it, then deep fry it
Friend: wow..
Friend: it'd be a double fried donut. double
Friend: that would be the ultimate...
Me: thats got to be the fattest thing that's ever come into my sick head

2005-08-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

What a day. Nothing seemed to really go right today.

I started the day off by going to the immunization clinic because I need shots to go to school. Kinda random and a bit of a hassle. This clinic is open from 8:30-11:30, closes, opens back up at 1. So I drive myself own to the ghetto part of town and get lost because the street addresses are absolutely messed up. I finally get there at 11:05, walk up to the desk, and I'm told "We're already closed". Lovely. So I end up having to go again on Monday.

I go back home to meet up with mom at 1pm to pick up my renewed passport... she calls and tells me she's delayed and that I have to wait another hour or so. By this time, I couldve stayed at the clinic and had that done. So I end up wasting time.

We go to SF and I get my passport. I walked up to the window and see that my passport picture is absolutely atrocious. I get to look at that for the next 10 years. Fabulous. He then pushed me to fill out a form that I had no idea how to, so I was panicking for no good reason because it was something that could just be faxed or mailed or watever else.

After that, we end up in Haight/Ashbury to shop around. We couldnt find parking, ended up in a corner spot with the question of getting a parking ticket. I get some nice stuff and throughout the shopping time I was still without a coat for Chicago. I may very well freeze and die in Chicago. How pleasant. We come back to the car, ready to drive home, and we have a 75 dollar ticket waiting for us on the windshield. "Blocking crosswalk"- yeah. Great. Awesome. F*ck.

.....Aaaand I just told someone that it's fun that their best friend died in a fire. Cool.

i wonder.

2005-08-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

if I'll ever come across something worthwhile? Seems so uncertain at this point.

Onward

2005-08-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

I come back and find out people arent what they said they were. What a disappointment. I don't think I've ever been lied to at this level and makes me wonder what that does to my ability to trust. At first I blamed myself, sat, thought, sulked. But I can't seem to think of where I went wrong, what I've done to lead me here. Was I naive, blind, or just plain stupid? There was no way I could have known and if I did, my actions would have been entirely different. So all I can really say now is that it wasnt my fault. Time to move on.

Damiko

2005-05-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

The purpose of a digital camera. I believe the purpose is to have pictures without having to pay expensive exposure fees and rolls upon rolls of film and to post on myspace/my blog. If you *want* pictures in your hand physically, you print out only the ones you actually need.

People. Is that so hard to understand? Apparently...it is.

The lady named Sue Roach (who also calls me "Damiko"-the number 2 worst pronounciation of my name I've ever heard), is in my site reconnaisance group project. She was in charge of taking pictures every week of the building to record its progress. With, yes, a digital camera.

Last week or so, I walk into class and she tells me, "Hey Damiko, you owe me $25". Why? Because it's for film... So she's telling me that everyone needs to contribute 25 dollars in a group of three. Seventy five flippin dollars for film? For pictures that are of no use to us and noone will keep. I'm paying for 2-3 shots of the same object, the same patch of dirt, which we also have doubles for??? I'm rather surprised at the cost and say, "Wow...that's pretty crazy"in response to her comment that film is expensive, then the Roach starts arguing and gets confrontational with me. Ri-COCK-u-lous.

Yesterday was my day off because I had successfully gotten myself out of taking the art history final, which had never happened in my life before. There I was, basking in all my glory. Then, At 7 in the AM, she calls me, "Hey Damiko, we're meeting at the lab at 12 to finish the report".

So I go to the lab, expecting very minimal work to be done. However, our time was spent rather foolishly. We took the exposed pictures that we had spent $75 dollars on...then scanned them into the computer. Let's not forget that these pictures were originally from a digital camera. I guess this is expected from someone that pronounces my name "Damiko". *cringe*

People. I hate people.

Bone.

When it rains, It pours

2005-05-10T01:20:00.000-07:00

Because I feel the absolute need to complain, bitch, and wallow, what better time to write than now?

I’m not exactly sure what it is that I’m feeling or what will come of this blog to be honest, most likely with no real point or conclusion. Times like now, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Is it me? Is it just my luck? Has karma finally caught up to me, or is it just the way things are with no reason whatsoever, perhaps it’s just fate? Whatever it may be, I just need it to stop... These frequent run-ins with the most naïve, immature, imbecilic beings that one could ever encounter. Does this all have some sort of a purpose or is all this just here to make my life so much more difficult than it needs to be?

What more must I do to be treated decently? What is it that I’m not doing or perhaps it’s something that I’ am doing? Am I not pretty enough, is it appearances, am I not trying hard enough, is my best not good enough, and on and on the self doubt keeps growing. It is people that I have recently crossed paths with that make me this way. Makes me want to remove myself from this place. Completely.

It seems as though that all I ‘am to anybody, is someone to take advantage of, nothing more. I seem to have missed the tattoo that says “USE ME” written across my forehead. And people wonder WHY I’ m so self-conscious with no real confidence?
Please.
(i think i finally understand now... that it's not even that I'm trying to please others, it's for the twisted fact that i have to to protect myself from others trying to screw with me.)

So how to change this? If I knew, I would have changed it long before the pain, the frustration, and energy wasted on stupid people. I only seem to know one thing. This world is full of bull shitters that will play with you and treat you in the only way they know how-Like shit.

I almost feel like I keep losing parts of myself. So much of that faith and trust, purity that I felt to have separated myself from others, starts to fade and turns into the things I swore not to ever be. I almost have the urge to let go of all that makes me who I’ am and start over. Maybe I won’t care as much, maybe life is easier. Hurt everything I can and be oblivious to all that’s around me because I’m so dense. It seems ugliness is attractive to many.

Lez Go Hillmen!!

2005-05-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

Well well well, long time no blog. I’ve had lil blurbs that I’ve wanted to write, however, the laziness took over. I’ll start off with some recent events.

April Camp:

Amazingly, this past weekend was probably the easiest weekend I’ve had in the years I’ve marched.
Friday (first day of camp), I had work until noon-ish and came back home to take care of some homework that was due on Monday, do laundry, pack, get ready, and go off to camp. Now, I was home by about 1:30/2 and camp starts at 6. How I managed to be late is absolutely beyond me, because you’re basically SCREWED if you’re late at Vanguard (and not in the good way). I had people calling me up as I was speeding to the Vanguard Hall and the final phone call went something like, “Akiko, don’t freak out okay?”…not good. Turns out they were already on the buses to go to the rehearsal site instead of the 7:30 departure time that was originally planned. So cool. I turn into the Hall right when the buses started pulling out and I was the only one that was late (aside from a few exceptions). Tell me why there are people from Taiwan, across the U.S., and everywhere else that made it to camp on time, and here I’ am…one of the very few members in the colorguard that live locally (about 12 minutes away for me), and I’m late?
Ri-cock-u-lous.

The evening started out with introductions and stretch. It seems that there have been a few dropouts since the last camp (or “cuts” so I hear), but I was somewhat glad because of the few that seemed to be a little “sketch”. It looks to be an interesting group, though I’m not sure of the skill level this year. Taiwan girl (woo another Asian GIRL!!) is going to be on the flag line so I’m pretty excited. It’s the Asian invasion.
We then moved onto dance block, a little much on the jazzy side for my taste. Then we ended with equipment (hmmmm, I think it was flag for me???) and learned the most makes-you-feel-like-Jerry’s-kids exercise ever.

Saturday/Sunday we learned work and drill (looks like we have FIVE movements this year… I might have to shoot myself), put them together. I’m finally starting to get excited about the year and hope that all goes well.
(I just cut this short because it started to sound boring)

I’m a little confused and weirded out by how nice the staff is. But perhaps I’m speaking a bit too soon. I’m too used to being degraded, insulted, and mashed down to a bloody pulp that I actually think that’s normal. I really hope that they’ll still kick our asses but keep the fun in it. We shall see.

Much more fun knowing people from the corps unlike the previous years where people wondered if I spoke English or not because I was so quiet. *rolls eyes* I’m not THAT quiet am I? I think a lot of the reason that I’ve changed quite a bit in the past couple years is because of Vanguard. I used to be the shyest person but it seems that from all the performances, exposure to the most interesting people that I’ll ever meet, has somehow changed me for the better. I suppose I do it because I want to be someone that I’m usually not.

I also had the craziest 0.0 dream on Saturday night. It was about that tire slashing incident. I was at the guy’s house visiting, and his ex came from upstairs with a knife (which I assumed to be the one used in the killing of my car) and told me in a scary thriller movie sort of way that she did it… then the guy came out and told me in the thriller-movie-with-a-twist sort of way that he was in on it too. *dun dun duuun* Scary. I really hope it doesn’t mean anything…

Yesterday:

So I ended up hanging out with some dude from the Internet yesterday. It was pretty cool because I got to go to Berkeley, see the campus, and walk walk walk. Me an my heels! It's kind of odd because the more and more I thingk about it, I become convinced that it's hard to relate with males that are younger than I... even if it's by a few months. I don't really understand why that is, or if it's just my mentality going into a conversation with a younger person, but that always seems to be the case. As stuckup as I can hear myself coming across, I do believe that females are much more mature than any guy of the same age. I do wonder though that if maturity levels ever balance out, and if they do, at what point? (as i was editing this post, I actually finally made the connection of this and my former. Things make alot more sense now)

Males:

All I really have to say on the subject is that I’m pretty sick and tired of those that get TOO comfortable around me TOO quickly and that there are none out there that are “good”. What do I look like- a quick&easy lay?? I can’t wait til the day that I’m not looked at as a piece of meat…I’m not even that appetizing.

I’m also quite tired of those that mail me on OKCupid that are VERY scary looking and also the entire internet for speaking to me JUST for the simple fact that I’am Japanese. Next time I’ll remember to leave that out on my profile. One should take it as a bad sign when you go to the person’s profile and they have the picture of the oh-so-played-out shirt that says “Nihonjin kanojo boshuu chu”- which roughly translates to “Now accepting applications for Japanese girlfriends”. I feel sorry for myself.

Havin a "Gay" Ole' Time

2005-04-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

With extra oreos
Originally uploaded by Raindrops Kept Falling.

Last night I had a rather "interesting" outing. One of my best friends(M.T.) and some other acquaintences went to "The Crib", a nightclub in San Francisco...And, it was Thursday. Which means it was gay night. Yes, that's right. Not only did I go to a club, but it was gay night. The night was pretty spontaneous and was surprised that I decided to go.

The night started off with me actually getting vamped-up in less than an hour which is record time for me. I was proud. Then we had to pick up a gay friend (Clif) of my best friend and his lesbian friend (D). On a side note, I wonder why it is that people can be so bad with directions and giving them out to the driver as we're on the street... How do people think it's okay to say "Turn here" when the car has already passed the street to turn onto? Quite an annoyance.

We finally get there at "The Crib", already bustling with activity and noise, we had to wait in a line to get patted(?) down by the security guard of the corresponding(?) sex. Already, there were some characters in line.

We enter the dark, humid, somewhat malodorous joint, which had one big dancing room floor, complete with large screens, cages and platforms for hooligans to dance/get rowdy on. It was quite a sight. I don't think I've ever mistaken so many males for a female before and vice versa. Girls on girls, boys on boys, girls on boys, boys on girls, unknown on unknown, or all of the above at once. It was just a whole mess of hot, sweaty bodies, bouncing up and down and munged together. Basically it was a display of raunchy sex with the clothes on.

My virgin eyes.

I start to get random people on me and I had the look of o_O?? most of the night because you can never tell what their sexuality was. Then also there was a male with a black shirt on that would not get off of me (and let's not talk about if I had to question HIS sexuality or not...I think I "felt" the message). My friends had to pretty much pry him off and led me away to the bar.
The other people that we met up with at the club were drinking and sharing with the minors and also were caught by security. Luckily, nothing bad came from it.

Then, the repulsive make-out sessions started occurring (This is what people my age do?? Or am I just being a priss just by saying that?). So then, D (the lesbian) comes up to me and says, "Find me someone to make out with!!". I respond with "What do you go for?". "Oh you know, cute guys, cute girls...you know, someone like you".

......................No.

Discomfort followed the rest of the night due to the fact that SHE would not leave me alone. Wherever we went, she was linked to me and would not take the hint. Do I look like I enjoy vagina? Then, the group made their way onto the stage and started dancing...after some time, who do I see? That's right. The guy in the black shirt from earlier, standing behind me, ready to pounce at any moment. No bueno.

Then the remainder of the time that we were there, I was quite tired of the atmosphere and wanted to leave. Mostly because of the mindless obscenities and the buzzing of hormones from every which way. Gay night finally ended around 2:30am and we made our way back home.

On the way home though, Clif had explained his run in with someone he danced with which went something like this, "OMG, this one guy that I danced with had the same wrist band as me! It's SERENDIPITY~ Dammit, I didn't get to take a picture of him with my phoooone *whine*". Then throughout the car ride, the wrist band incident was mentioned persistently. Over and over. And over.

...I just have to wonder sometimes...This guy is older than I, how could there be people like this. I just don't get it. Then I wondered, is there really someone for everybody?? It would be quite reassuring to know that there is on my part, but at the same time scary to think that there are pairs of people like that. Could be dangerous.

The entire time, my friend and I exchange looks because of the lesbian and pea-brain making half-witted comments. *sigh* what a night.

We then drop off the two annoyances and my friend and his friend and I go to 7-11 for slurpees. I was disappointed in myself because I was on sugar probation. It was very refreshing. The we drop her off and the two of us end up at denny's at 4 in the am. Dangerous.

I stare at the flip menu of desserts and stop at the Oreo shake as I always do. It's a ritual. I talk about how much I want one and my friend ordered it without my approval. I had no choice, but to drink it. It was DAMN tasty.

I just have to say though, that I'am thoroughly convinced that I'am not one that will be into the clubbing scene. It seems quite silly to me to spend an evening rubbing up against strangers and never really being able to talk to the people that you came to enjoy the night with because you can't even hear yourself talk. It's almost as if I had spent the evening alone. I would much rather dance alone/dance with someone in my own room blasting the music that I want to hear. The best times are in the car with someone next to you and rocking out in there.

I'm also puzzled by the actions of the people in my age group. The stories I hear from the people that party often are somewhat nauseating. Am I exactly what OkCupid had labeled me as, "The Priss"? Am I missing out on alot of things by not acting mindlessly? I have no idea. But I don't really see what I could possibly be missing out on.

The reason for this blogspot...then me complaining

2005-04-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

The reason for this blogspot, my tiny lil space on the web, is so I can get awaaaay from certain people (and to rant/complain/whine about my life). I think it's more so one person than all the others. People look me up and google me, just to get whatever information they can get their filthy lil eyes on, why? I have no idea, to pretend like they can be my friend or like they're trying to force upon me the idea that I can trust them. Well for those of you that do that and somehow find me here, I'll make it easy for you. I tend to not trust people (especially those that look me up) so quit trying. I really don't understand people that try to push me to trust them, by just acting like they're a friend. And then there are those that want so much to stay a friend, even though I have pretty much dismissed them... (I'm becoming more an more convinced that "formers" can't be friends, though I'm not speaking only of them) The more and more I think about these certain people, the more and more I get annoyed. Why don't they just SAY what they want to say, instead of hinting at certain things in the most round about way possible and leaving pathetic lil away messages for all the world to see, then hoping that I'll respond!! *grunt!* DAAHH!!! Quit trying so hard, it's starting to get pathetic.

Why is it that people are intrigued by someone that enjoys their privacy? I'm starting to see quite a bit of my mom in me lately and that is one of them. People distance themselves from her but hang on to every little thing that may relate to her personal life...She's the type of person that twirls in the office and gets her foot stuck in the waste basket...Mysterious? I think not...

So what that I don't like saying EVERYTHING that pops into my head? Has it ever occurred to them that MAYBE, just maybe, I don't want to let complete strangers who I have just met into what goes on in my head, or even that I'm simply thinking "You're not worth my time or brain power right now, have a decent day". What makes people think that I have anything remotely interesting or intelligent to say that they have to pry it from my idle brain? It's not a difficult concept.

I'm tired of stupid people...Is it just my luck that I come across alot of them these days, or is it just that I notice them more?

Wow

2005-04-19T22:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, I haven't been that excited about signing up for things in a long time. I don't know what the hell I'm doing but it's so great *claps hands and makes oOooOo face* Pics are up too at Flickr and "you" can get a nice lil visual of my oh-so-crazy life along with my lengthy explanations.

I had an interesting email come to me several minutes ago... It was from one of those people that I tend to ignore and not talk to when they IM me or when they call.

I used to be one to endure any kind of annoyances no matter what-for what reason, I'm not quite sure. Most likely because I want to be affable, because I care quite a bit about what others think, even now (though this has been an ongoing struggle, I still wonder if it will ever be fixed). Lately tho, things have slowly started to change. I don't take much of people's ridiculous requests and fronts too easily now. And that is why I think I have more people that are on my "ignore" list than I would like to.

This person that I have met only once, constantly IM's me, along with the occassional repeated phone calls if I don't pick up. I wondered why this person constantly tries to get my attention, labeling them as the young, naive, male that simply wishes to get the action that I find most males only care about ( and I will warn you here that my blogging will mostly consist of male bashing. If you don't like it, comment and leave). From what I hear, males will do ANYthing for that. True, untrue? I'd like to think the latter.

A snipet of what I'm talking about:

"I've got to be honest, the thing that got me interested in you is that you are so difficult to get ahold of...I see all the little things that you have things like the fact that you seem to know about every topic a person can bring up. Granted, you may not know alot about every topic, but you can carry a conversation for hours. You serve as a source of wisdom for me and I get a sense of responsibility around you that, in turn makes me want to become a better person...You have been a great support for me even though it may be very little support in your view. I was in very troubled times when I met you and the little contribution of being a "pal" went a long way..."

So this makes me think. A whole lot of things. Why did I neglect this person? I feel as though that I have somewhat lost some of the qualities that set me apart from those that represent so much of the majority that should not be. Before I had been so tolerant, so flexible, yet somewhere I felt it so unfair. I sometimes think, "take everything in with an open heart, be willing to help others out no matter what the cost, because that's what (should) make you happy"... I'm probably too much of a pessimist to be that way. Other times I feel that all I can do is be selfish, never accept other's mistakes. Now am I just too quick to alienate others? I'm not so sure.

I have supposedly made some sort of difference in this person's life, yet I have been acting as if I could care less if I ever talk to them again. What does that say? It really means that I have been egocentric and cold, when I really don't have much reason to.

I'm not really sure what to make of this person because I somehow feel that they're quite naive in their thinking. I can't handle people that hope for something more than what I can really give them, so I don't know how to deal with them. Do I say "Thank you", shake their hand, and then move on? or do I actually befriend them, in hopes that they won't do the exact things that make me want to be in my corner forever? *sigh* I have no idea.

Anyway, this is just my attempt to sound like I have something thoughtful to say for my first blogger's blog. More to come.

yeah

2005-04-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

testing this out