Damiko

The purpose of a digital camera. I believe the purpose is to have pictures without having to pay expensive exposure fees and rolls upon rolls of film and to post on myspace/my blog. If you *want* pictures in your hand physically, you print out only the ones you actually need.

People. Is that so hard to understand? Apparently...it is.

The lady named Sue Roach (who also calls me "Damiko"-the number 2 worst pronounciation of my name I've ever heard), is in my site reconnaisance group project. She was in charge of taking pictures every week of the building to record its progress. With, yes, a digital camera.

Last week or so, I walk into class and she tells me, "Hey Damiko, you owe me $25". Why? Because it's for film... So she's telling me that everyone needs to contribute 25 dollars in a group of three. Seventy five flippin dollars for film? For pictures that are of no use to us and noone will keep. I'm paying for 2-3 shots of the same object, the same patch of dirt, which we also have doubles for??? I'm rather surprised at the cost and say, "Wow...that's pretty crazy"in response to her comment that film is expensive, then the Roach starts arguing and gets confrontational with me. Ri-COCK-u-lous.

Yesterday was my day off because I had successfully gotten myself out of taking the art history final, which had never happened in my life before. There I was, basking in all my glory. Then, At 7 in the AM, she calls me, "Hey Damiko, we're meeting at the lab at 12 to finish the report".

So I go to the lab, expecting very minimal work to be done. However, our time was spent rather foolishly. We took the exposed pictures that we had spent $75 dollars on...then scanned them into the computer. Let's not forget that these pictures were originally from a digital camera. I guess this is expected from someone that pronounces my name "Damiko". *cringe*

People. I hate people.

Bone.

When it rains, It pours

Because I feel the absolute need to complain, bitch, and wallow, what better time to write than now?

I’m not exactly sure what it is that I’m feeling or what will come of this blog to be honest, most likely with no real point or conclusion. Times like now, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Is it me? Is it just my luck? Has karma finally caught up to me, or is it just the way things are with no reason whatsoever, perhaps it’s just fate? Whatever it may be, I just need it to stop... These frequent run-ins with the most naïve, immature, imbecilic beings that one could ever encounter. Does this all have some sort of a purpose or is all this just here to make my life so much more difficult than it needs to be?

What more must I do to be treated decently? What is it that I’m not doing or perhaps it’s something that I’ am doing? Am I not pretty enough, is it appearances, am I not trying hard enough, is my best not good enough, and on and on the self doubt keeps growing. It is people that I have recently crossed paths with that make me this way. Makes me want to remove myself from this place. Completely.

It seems as though that all I ‘am to anybody, is someone to take advantage of, nothing more. I seem to have missed the tattoo that says “USE ME” written across my forehead. And people wonder WHY I’ m so self-conscious with no real confidence?
Please.
(i think i finally understand now... that it's not even that I'm trying to please others, it's for the twisted fact that i have to to protect myself from others trying to screw with me.)

So how to change this? If I knew, I would have changed it long before the pain, the frustration, and energy wasted on stupid people. I only seem to know one thing. This world is full of bull shitters that will play with you and treat you in the only way they know how-Like shit.

I almost feel like I keep losing parts of myself. So much of that faith and trust, purity that I felt to have separated myself from others, starts to fade and turns into the things I swore not to ever be. I almost have the urge to let go of all that makes me who I’ am and start over. Maybe I won’t care as much, maybe life is easier. Hurt everything I can and be oblivious to all that’s around me because I’m so dense. It seems ugliness is attractive to many.

Lez Go Hillmen!!

Well well well, long time no blog. I’ve had lil blurbs that I’ve wanted to write, however, the laziness took over. I’ll start off with some recent events.

April Camp:

Amazingly, this past weekend was probably the easiest weekend I’ve had in the years I’ve marched.
Friday (first day of camp), I had work until noon-ish and came back home to take care of some homework that was due on Monday, do laundry, pack, get ready, and go off to camp. Now, I was home by about 1:30/2 and camp starts at 6. How I managed to be late is absolutely beyond me, because you’re basically SCREWED if you’re late at Vanguard (and not in the good way). I had people calling me up as I was speeding to the Vanguard Hall and the final phone call went something like, “Akiko, don’t freak out okay?”…not good. Turns out they were already on the buses to go to the rehearsal site instead of the 7:30 departure time that was originally planned. So cool. I turn into the Hall right when the buses started pulling out and I was the only one that was late (aside from a few exceptions). Tell me why there are people from Taiwan, across the U.S., and everywhere else that made it to camp on time, and here I’ am…one of the very few members in the colorguard that live locally (about 12 minutes away for me), and I’m late?
Ri-cock-u-lous.

The evening started out with introductions and stretch. It seems that there have been a few dropouts since the last camp (or “cuts” so I hear), but I was somewhat glad because of the few that seemed to be a little “sketch”. It looks to be an interesting group, though I’m not sure of the skill level this year. Taiwan girl (woo another Asian GIRL!!) is going to be on the flag line so I’m pretty excited. It’s the Asian invasion.
We then moved onto dance block, a little much on the jazzy side for my taste. Then we ended with equipment (hmmmm, I think it was flag for me???) and learned the most makes-you-feel-like-Jerry’s-kids exercise ever.

Saturday/Sunday we learned work and drill (looks like we have FIVE movements this year… I might have to shoot myself), put them together. I’m finally starting to get excited about the year and hope that all goes well.
(I just cut this short because it started to sound boring)

I’m a little confused and weirded out by how nice the staff is. But perhaps I’m speaking a bit too soon. I’m too used to being degraded, insulted, and mashed down to a bloody pulp that I actually think that’s normal. I really hope that they’ll still kick our asses but keep the fun in it. We shall see.

Much more fun knowing people from the corps unlike the previous years where people wondered if I spoke English or not because I was so quiet. *rolls eyes* I’m not THAT quiet am I? I think a lot of the reason that I’ve changed quite a bit in the past couple years is because of Vanguard. I used to be the shyest person but it seems that from all the performances, exposure to the most interesting people that I’ll ever meet, has somehow changed me for the better. I suppose I do it because I want to be someone that I’m usually not.

I also had the craziest 0.0 dream on Saturday night. It was about that tire slashing incident. I was at the guy’s house visiting, and his ex came from upstairs with a knife (which I assumed to be the one used in the killing of my car) and told me in a scary thriller movie sort of way that she did it… then the guy came out and told me in the thriller-movie-with-a-twist sort of way that he was in on it too. *dun dun duuun* Scary. I really hope it doesn’t mean anything…

Yesterday:

So I ended up hanging out with some dude from the Internet yesterday. It was pretty cool because I got to go to Berkeley, see the campus, and walk walk walk. Me an my heels! It's kind of odd because the more and more I thingk about it, I become convinced that it's hard to relate with males that are younger than I... even if it's by a few months. I don't really understand why that is, or if it's just my mentality going into a conversation with a younger person, but that always seems to be the case. As stuckup as I can hear myself coming across, I do believe that females are much more mature than any guy of the same age. I do wonder though that if maturity levels ever balance out, and if they do, at what point? (as i was editing this post, I actually finally made the connection of this and my former. Things make alot more sense now)

Males:

All I really have to say on the subject is that I’m pretty sick and tired of those that get TOO comfortable around me TOO quickly and that there are none out there that are “good”. What do I look like- a quick&easy lay?? I can’t wait til the day that I’m not looked at as a piece of meat…I’m not even that appetizing.

I’m also quite tired of those that mail me on OKCupid that are VERY scary looking and also the entire internet for speaking to me JUST for the simple fact that I’am Japanese. Next time I’ll remember to leave that out on my profile. One should take it as a bad sign when you go to the person’s profile and they have the picture of the oh-so-played-out shirt that says “Nihonjin kanojo boshuu chu”- which roughly translates to “Now accepting applications for Japanese girlfriends”. I feel sorry for myself.