When it rains, It pours

Because I feel the absolute need to complain, bitch, and wallow, what better time to write than now?

I’m not exactly sure what it is that I’m feeling or what will come of this blog to be honest, most likely with no real point or conclusion. Times like now, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Is it me? Is it just my luck? Has karma finally caught up to me, or is it just the way things are with no reason whatsoever, perhaps it’s just fate? Whatever it may be, I just need it to stop... These frequent run-ins with the most naïve, immature, imbecilic beings that one could ever encounter. Does this all have some sort of a purpose or is all this just here to make my life so much more difficult than it needs to be?

What more must I do to be treated decently? What is it that I’m not doing or perhaps it’s something that I’ am doing? Am I not pretty enough, is it appearances, am I not trying hard enough, is my best not good enough, and on and on the self doubt keeps growing. It is people that I have recently crossed paths with that make me this way. Makes me want to remove myself from this place. Completely.

It seems as though that all I ‘am to anybody, is someone to take advantage of, nothing more. I seem to have missed the tattoo that says “USE ME” written across my forehead. And people wonder WHY I’ m so self-conscious with no real confidence?
Please.
(i think i finally understand now... that it's not even that I'm trying to please others, it's for the twisted fact that i have to to protect myself from others trying to screw with me.)

So how to change this? If I knew, I would have changed it long before the pain, the frustration, and energy wasted on stupid people. I only seem to know one thing. This world is full of bull shitters that will play with you and treat you in the only way they know how-Like shit.

I almost feel like I keep losing parts of myself. So much of that faith and trust, purity that I felt to have separated myself from others, starts to fade and turns into the things I swore not to ever be. I almost have the urge to let go of all that makes me who I’ am and start over. Maybe I won’t care as much, maybe life is easier. Hurt everything I can and be oblivious to all that’s around me because I’m so dense. It seems ugliness is attractive to many.